The Secret Diary Of Legolas.
by Lasbelin
Summary: If the member's of the fellowship had kept their own secret diaries while on their travels what would they have written?


Author's Note: I had a little bit of writers block and couldn't decide what to write in my other story (Who Knows What the Future Holds) so I decided to write this. I might do diaries for some of the other members of the fellowship at some point too.   
Must state the obvious and say that Legolas and all of the other characters are not mine. If they were then I'd be very rich by now and incredibly impressed with myself for inventing such good characters in the first place. They all belong to JRR Tolkien and I just borrowed them for a little while, I promise to give them back…eventually :) *evil laugh*  
Ok done now…read on :)  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS.  
  
Day One.  
Arrived in Rivendell. My Daddy sent me here with a message for Elrond (my Daddy's friend) but can't be bothered telling him at the moment. I don't like to spend too long alone with Elrond, he's scared me ever since I was a youngster.  
He once offered to show me how to 'work my bow' properly, he meant something quite different to what I expected! As if! He's like several thousands of years older than me.  
Oh well can't blame him, I'm obviously the prettiest elf in Middle-Earth! *dazzling smile*  
  
Day ??? - Time flies in Rivendell.  
Have taken to hanging around with Elrond's sons. They told me that their Dad's a bit of a pervert and not to worry about him. They gave me a useful bit of info too, if he tries anything I just have to say 'my name is Neo' and he'll run a mile, cool! *big smile*  
  
Day ??? - Given up trying to count days, does it even matter when you're immortal?  
Had a huge fight with Arwen today. The bitch accused me of stealing her pink lipstick! As if I would *whistles innocently* I'm pretty enough anyway and have no need for make up. Hate Arwen!   
Sick of staying in this stupid place too, I want to go home and see my Mummy and Daddy again. Apparently there's some big meeting thing going on tomorrow and I've got to stick around for it *pouts*. It's called the 'council of Elrond' oh how original!   
  
Council Day.  
*Yawn* Those men like to hear the sound of their own voices. Especially that Boromir guy, he loves to blow his own trumpet...actually he has a trumpet 'the horn of Gondor', He offered to let me blow it sometime! Filthy human, he really needs a hair wash so does that Aragorn guy, ick! Think I might offer to lend them my Herbal Essence.   
Told Elrond the message that my father sent me with, he wasn't too happy. I had to explain to him that we'd lost Gollum (who apparently is a little bit dangerous) while we were playing hide and seek. Not my fault at all, I snapped a nail and I only turned my back for a moment to get my nail file out of my bag, how was I to know that the evil little thing would make a run for it?  
Oh yeah umm whole point of meeting was to decide who would go with this little dude into Mordor to destroy some tacky looking ring. I offered to go just because I want to get as far away from Elrond as possible, could do with a holiday anyway. So I went all dramatic (always fancied being an actor or maybe a model…) and offered the little dude my bow (got a really sleazy look from Elrond at this point).   
  
Day One of Our Journey.   
If I hear those fricking little dudes sing 'the road goes ever on and on' again I'll scream! Honestly they have no taste in music. When we stopped for a rest I decided to give them a taste of proper music and sang that famous Elvish song 'Hit me baby one more time', complete with dance routine.  
They all looked very impressed but Gimli told me that I looked like a right ponce with my hair in bunches! The cheek of it *sticks tongue out at Gimli*  
Think I might have a bit of a crush on Aragorn. He is rather handsome although I'm still not sure about his hygiene levels, he really could do with washing his hair!   
  
Day ??? - Gave up counting again.  
We stopped to rest on a big hill today, I was checking my hair in my compact mirror when I noticed lots of big black birdies. Told the others so that they could see too but Gandalf said that we all had to hide instead. Big meanie *pouts* I wanted to watch the birdies!   
He mentioned something about a guy called Saruman spying on him, I'm guessing that it was a messy break up.   
Spent the evening teaching Gimli how to braid his hair properly, getting to like Gimli now that he doesn't call me nasty names anymore.   
  
Going Up The Big Snowy Mountain.  
What the hell? Where did all the snow come from, even I didn't see that coming. If I had known that it was going to snow on this journey I wouldn't have bothered coming. It has totally messed up my hair!   
I don't mind the snow as much as the others though, I just tiptoe along the top of it, the made Gimli call me a ponce again *pouts*.   
Threw a snowball at the little dude with the ring and made him fall over. Luckily Aragorn didn't notice because he was too busy watching Boromir who was thinking about nicking the little dude's ring. Aragorn didn't look very pleased about this, thought Boromir was gonna get a slap but he handed the ring back to the little dude before Aragorn had to get physical with him *swoons at the thought of Aragorn getting physical*. Dunno why anyone wants that stupid ring anyway, you can find better in a Christmas cracker!  
  
Coming Back Down The Big Snowy Mountain.  
Apparently we've taken a wrong turn and we should have gone under the mountain instead of over it. Gandalf only realised this when I huge pile of snow fell on his head, well duh!  
Anyway Gimli said that we should go and visit all his family instead and Gandalf agreed. Typical we have to go and visit his family, why not mine? I know Mirkwood is in totally the wrong direction but we could make a detour, I miss my Daddy!   
So now we're climbing back down the mountain and we're going through the mines of Moria. I don't like that idea, it'll be all dark and gloomy in there, I'll never have the chance to sort my hair out!  
  
In The Mines.  
Gandalf said that it'll take us 3 days to get through the mines, 3 days, I'll die if I don't see my reflection before then.  
Gimli was really upset because all of his Dwarf friends are dead, felt a bit sorry for him so I lent him my silk hanky.  
We nearly lost the little dude with the ring, this big monster thing grabbed him and I had to be all heroic and fire lots of arrows at it. Frodo was very grateful because I saved his life (ok so the others helped a little too) anyway I could really get used to this heroic stuff.  
When we stopped to sleep I decided to snuggle up next to Aragorn. He wasn't impressed at all and moved over to the other side of the room. He said it was just so that he could protect the little dude with the ring, I don't believe him, he must not think I'm pretty! Maybe he has a crush on the little dude *sobs*  
  
Still In The Mines.  
We came to a place where there were 3 tunnels today and stupid Gandalf didn't know which one we had to go down. Did he even look at the map before we started on this journey? This is the second wrong route that we've taken!   
I tried to help him by doing my best Cilla Black on Blind Date impression (will it be exit number one which smells a little and looks damp or exit number two which smells even more and has slime on the walls or exit number three…) but Gandalf told me very unkindly to shut up *sticks tongue out at Gandalf*. He decided finally and we set off again.  
Asked Aragorn if he thought I was pretty. He said that I was but he preferred brunettes. I was shocked when he told me that he and Arwen had a thing going! That bitch, I hate her. I'm really starting to hate these mines too…and Aragorn.  
  
Yay! Finally Out Of The Mines.  
We're out of the mines at last but we had a little bit of an accident. When we were all looking at the tomb of some dead dwarf (Gimli was crying a lot, I called him a ponce) Pippin managed to knock this skeleton down a well and it made a huge noise.  
Then loads of orcs came and attacked us. Luckily I decided to be heroic again and shot loads of them, I was looking good, not at all poncey I might add! Aragorn killed lots of them too, he looks dead sexy when he's fighting.  
Anyway we killed all of those orcs and then another load chased us followed by a big thing called a Balrog and boy did he look pissed. We managed to get to the exit way before the Balrog but stupid Gandalf decided to show off and try to get the thing to stop following us.  
Oh well, he did it but he died in the process, shame really. Looking on the bright side maybe we'll manage to not get lost without him.  
  
Loth Lorien.  
Feeling slightly happier now because Aragorn decided that we should go and visit Galadriel. She's a very pretty elf lady, not sure if she's prettier than me hmm…she might be, oh well still makes me prettiest elf man in Middle-Earth.   
All of the elves are being really nice to us all, apart from Gimli, they don't seem to like him very much.   
Galadriel told me that I could look into her mirror, was very excited until I found out that it was just an oversized bird bath. Looked into it anyway but saw just about everything except my reflection, what good is that?  
When I finally found a proper mirror I realised that I had a tiny bit of mud on my forehead *nearly faints in shock* I can't believe the others didn't tell me!  
Was a little upset tonight because Gandalf's dead. I'd forgotten about it until the elves started singing songs about him and his pointy hat, some of those songs were quite rude! Frodo asked me what they were singing so I had to lie and tell him that I was too upset to tell him (I'm getting quite good at this acting stuff).   
I seem to be the only one who has brought a change of clothes with me on this journey, am now wearing a rather snazzy silver number. They don't call me the Armani elf for nothing!  
  
Leaving Loth Lorien.  
I don't want to leave *pouts* but Aragorn says that we have to because the little dude with the ring still has to get to Mordor. I told him that I only came for a holiday and I was quite happy to stay with the elves but he didn't look too impressed.   
We have to row down the big river in these tiny little rowing boats. I'm sharing a boat with Gimli, I like him now, we have nothing in common but when we get bored we can always braid each others hair.  
Galadriel told me just how pretty I am before I left *blushes* and gave me a present, I thought she was just chatting me up but then she gave the others presents too and told them how brave/clever/strong they were. I got a pretty bow, how nice, I like Galadriel.  
  
On The Riverbank.  
We've been on the river for a few days now. Gimli hasn't offered to row once! Lazy old dwarf. I have a bad feeling about this river, I don't like it at all. When we finally stopped to rest I told Aragorn but he ignored me.  
Then what do ya know…the little dude with the ring has disappeared, told him something bad was gonna happen but would he listen? Boromir's buggered off too, he's probably gone to show the little dude the horn of Gondor. Have decided that Boromir is a bit of a pervert too, sure he was spying on me when I was in the shower in Loth Lorien.   
Aragorn says that we have to go and look for them, I'm sure that he has a huge crush on the little dude.  
  
Later On…  
Oh dear Boromir's dead too. I walked in on him and Aragorn having a bit of a private moment before he finally snuffed it. We seem to have lost all of the little dudes too.   
The one with the ring and his friend (Sure that those two are gay) have continued on to Mordor and then other two have been taken away by the ugly orcs.  
Aragorn said that we'd follow the orcs and try and rescue the other little dudes. Sounds good to me, I'm not going anywhere near Mordor, bugger that idea, I'll happily got the other way.   
So we've sent Boromir off in a boat over the waterfall because we didn't want to leave him just hanging around and now we're chasing after the orcs. Aragorn is running ahead of me, he does look sexy when he runs, maybe if I'm really nice to him he'll forget about Arwen. I am way prettier than her anyway!  
I hope we can have a rest soon, I think Gimli's going to have a heart attack if we keep up this pace! 


End file.
